Whether you see it coming or not, breakups are never easy.  Especially ones that end a serious, long term relationship.  The experience of a breakup is painful, complicated and challenging but it may be an opportunity to learn more about yourself and experience personal growth.  You can also learn a lot about the type of relationship you truly want in the future.  Below are just a few tips on how to cope with the end of a long term relationship.

• Feel all your feelings: Let yourself grieve the loss.  Chances are this person was not only someone you loved romantically but also your best friend.  This is why the end of long term relationships can be so difficult.  The KEY person in your life that was there to help you through the good, bad and ugly is now not there to help you move forward.  So give yourself time and be kind.  Give yourself the opportunity to process and make sense of all your emotions.  For some people, it is helpful to set a time frame.  Give yourself a few weeks to vent and cry as much as you need to but when the time is up, you start to refocus on rebuilding.  
• Celebrate your successes: We often turn to our partners for validation and look to them as someone to share in our achievements (no matter how big or small).  Praise yourself during moments where you feel your independence.  Sometimes these are simple wins, like going to an event by yourself or successfully changing a flat tire.  Find happiness in the mundane. Find happiness in being you.
• Do what you love: Even if you used to do it with your partner.  Reclaim these hobbies or events as something you can do without your ex, such as traveling, hiking or dancing.  You can still thrive and enjoy these activities alone or with friends. It may even be a good time to work on something new!  Learn a new skill or try a new hobby –perhaps you always wanted to learn to cook or take dancing lessons.  It could help you reclaim your identity and help you avoid feelings of loneliness. Self-care is vital to the healing process so do things that make you smile.
• Practice good social media etiquette: Just when you think you have finally moved on and recovered from your break up, BAM, there it is.  The relationship status update, the new photo with the new love interest, the cheesy hashtags. Whatever it may be, it can set you back and make you feel insecure (no matter how much progress you’ve made).  Simply telling someone to not check their ex’s social media usually isn’t enough.  Curiosity is human nature and social media has made it easy to give into those urges.  Consider unfollowing your ex (and possibly their close friends) or even unfriending if necessary.  Also remember not to post passive aggressive status updates, encourage friends to take sides, brag about hook ups, send them a series of direct messages, etc. Think about your emotional healing as a physical wound – If you don’t allow it to heal, you will only do more damage.
• Avoid toxic coping mechanisms: You may be tempted to do anything to avoid your feelings or distract you from the pain of the break up but as with anything, you want to avoid toxic coping mechanisms.  These include things such as over drinking, gambling, overeating or complaining too much to friends, coworkers or anyone within earshot (this only encourages anger and blame).  These are unhelpful and will likely only compound your problems or make you feel worse.  It is essential that you find healthy, effective coping mechanisms such as journaling your feelings, making lists (such as why it is better to be single), or exercising.

Remember to seek support from friends and family when you’re ready.  In addition to emotional comfort, these are the people that often provide the encouragement that you can move forward and get through this rough phase.  It's important to build up your network of support and friends. Learn to share life with others. What you are experiencing is normal and it will pass.  There is an end in sight.  If you are feeling a constant state of sadness or unable to function on a daily basis, seeking professional help may be the next logical step.  Never hesitate to call, text or email to set up a free consultation. 478-305-9913; Jonathan@AllCounselingSolutions.com; www.AllCounselingSolutions.com

Ready or not - Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.  For many of us, a major goal in life is to be in a healthy, lasting relationship.  But relationships are tricky and there is no shortage of dating advice out there.  How will you know if the relationship you’re in has lasting potential?  Once the initial rush of attraction has faded, what really sustains a relationship over time?  Although all relationships are different, research has found common patterns that tend to arise in successful relationships. 

1. You’re Friends with Each Other: Most long lasting, healthy couples are built on a foundation of friendship.  They are best friends.  They genuinely enjoy spending time together, rely on each other for emotional support, share common interests and communicate effectively.  Friendship is often the main building block to trust, deeper intimacy and passion.
2. You Problem Solve Effectively: Conflicts happen and that’s ok.  There is nothing healthy about avoiding conflict.  It is the way you approach and manage the argument that says a lot about the strength of the relationship.  Happy couples stop, listen and repair the conflict.  Once you realize you can tackle problems as a team, you have a much happier and longer lasting relationship.  Remember – it is you and your partner against the problem.  Not you against your partner.
3. You’re Kind to One Another: Nothing is more important than treating the person you love with care and respect.  Kindness doesn’t just mean being “nice” to each other.  It means being positive, being supportive, being generous and being empathetic.  Lasting couples appreciate each other and celebrate each other’s successes.  Even small gestures, such as saying “thank you” after your partner cooks dinner or makes the bed, can go a long way.
4. You’re Vulnerable with Each Other: Love is in the details.  Happy couples are familiar with their partner’s world and their feelings.
5. You Make Decisions Together: Happy couples are a team that work together.  Decisions may start small early in the relationship like “should we go out tonight” or “what color should we paint the bedroom” but decisions will escalate as the relationship progresses.  Soon you may be making decisions about how many children to have or whether or not to relocate for a job. Developing a reliable foundation for decision making and open discussion early in the relationship will lead to a longer lasting relationship.

While practicing marriage counseling, I’ve seen many couples that exhibit a wide variety of behaviors – some healthy and some dysfunctional.  In many cases, the dysfunctional couple’s relationship can be saved.  Just remember – “The grass is always greener where you water it.”  Tend to yourself and to your relationship and watch both thrive.  If you feel your relationship is not where it should be please don't hesitate to reach out so you and your partner can experience the best relationship possible.