2019 is officially upon us.  Many people have a fantasy that January 1st is going to be the day they start a new and improved life – a fresh start, a new (maybe healthier) you.  We shoot for the moon and make big goals to lose weight, quit drinking, get organized or save more money.  Four weeks later, we’re right back where we started. What happened?  The truth is, only about 8% of people actually keep their New Year’s Resolutions, so odds are if you look around - you are not alone.  Here are 3 things to do year round to better yourself and reach those tough goals:

1. Focus on your progress: One of the biggest problems with New Year’s Resolutions is our “pass-fail” or all-or-nothing mentality.  We set overly ambitious and restrictive goals.  We become discouraged when we experience a small failure and then ultimately give up all together.  One of the most important steps is to give up the all-or-nothing mentality.  Stop worrying about making mistakes or whether or not you’re going to achieve your goal and start focusing on PROGRESS towards your goals.  Allow for small failures.  If you have a bad day, put it behind you.  Don’t let one mistake derail how hard you’ve worked.  Remember that real change takes effort, time and patience.  Stay positive and focus on the progress (no matter how small) you’re making.
2. Make short-term goals: Small, incremental lifestyle modifications have a much greater chance of creating lasting, REAL change.  So instead of making a list of 10 New Year’s Resolutions to start on January 1st,   focus on one thing you want to work on, i.e. drinking, weight loss, improving significant relationships in your life.  Then focus on small steps to make this important change.  Making life changes is more like a staircase -  you climb it one step at a time as opposed to trying to get a running start and climbing them all at once, you will only get hurt trying it this way, and will fail to reach your goal.
3. Hold yourself accountable (in more ways than one): Accountability has been proven to be one of the key factors for successfully accomplishing a goal. Having another person know and support what you are trying to accomplish tends to help us stick with our goal. Accountability can take many forms - a close friend, a family member, posting on social media, etc. Most importantly, you need to hold yourself accountable. Each day, you can write out your goal, action steps, progress, and barriers for that goal. And remember to celebrate the small successes.

Ready to make a lifestyle change but feel like you’re not going to be able to reach your goal without a little help and support?  Set up a session with me and let’s get you started on a new path!  Counselors are trained to identify unhealthy patterns and work with you to develop new skills and create new habits.
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“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions” – Joey Adams
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Let’s just go ahead and declare our cell phones an appendage.  We have it in our pocket (or purse) all day and sleep with it at our bedside at night.  We now have a phone, the internet, a camera, a calculator, and thousands of apps right at our fingertips everywhere we go.  But does having this convenience come at a price?  Yes.  Our phones are hurting our relationships in many various ways.  I could write for hours about the numerous large scale research studies that detail the use of cell phones and the harmful effects they are having on our relationships and social skills but today we will focus on 5 ways your cell phone is hurting your romantic relationship.

1. You’re less connected: Ever find yourself texting when you should be talking?  It is easy to feel like you’re good at communicating when you’re constantly texting with your partner.  But text messaging isn’t the most effective form of communication.  We gather a lot of social cues and information from people’s facial expressions, tone, and body language. All of this is lost in a text.  Another issue with text messaging arises when we judge how quickly our partner responds to our message.  If they don’t respond quickly enough, could it mean you’re not a high priority?  It’s easy for us to get our feelings hurt because we feel ignored.  We associate texting with immediacy.  We consider it “real time” communication, even when it isn’t possible.  Maybe your partner is working.  Maybe they just simply did not hear the text alert.  Maybe they’re driving.  Don’t let a delayed response cause conflict in your relationship.  Many couples have had an entire fight over a simple, misinterpreted or mistimed text. Don’t text so much that you talk too little.
2. You’re less happy (and so is your partner): Feeling like you’re competing with your partner’s phone for attention?  When your partner is scrolling through Facebook instead of engaging with you, it can feel like a form of rejection. You may not realize that while you’re texting a friend in the middle of a conversation with your spouse, you’re sending your spouse the message that the phone is more important.  You may also find yourself comparing your relationship to others.  Following those super star couples on Instagram that always take the most romantic pictures in the most romantic places?  Unfollow.  Try not to get caught up in comparisons.
3. Opening the door to temptation: Let’s be honest - cell phones can open the door to infidelity.  They keep us in contact with our exes, our old friends and our coworkers.  I won’t even begin to talk about the slew of dating/hook up apps out there.  It is also easy to access and view inappropriate content, which can lead to relationship stress in the bedroom. The important element here is full transparency.
4. Misguided priorities: Instead of helping with the dishes or bathing the kids, you’re scrolling mindlessly through Facebook or playing a game on your phone.  It may cause a fight or built up resentment by your partner who is picking up your slack.  We also get lazy when it comes to small, meaningful romantic gestures.  Remember that just texting “I love you” doesn’t have the same effect as buying flowers and hand writing a note about how much you appreciate your partner.  Relationships require effort.
5. You’re bringing your work home with you: There was once a time when once you left work, you actually left work.  Thanks (in part) to smartphones - work emails, phone calls or text messages are now readily available anytime. Time at home that could once be spent with our partner or family is now spent responding to work messages.  It can wait.

So now we’ve talked about how your phone might be harming your relationship.  Maybe you finished reading this and realized that your smartphone is damaging your relationship.  What now?  Compulsively checking your phone is a tough routine to break.  Let’s cut the habit and create a new one.  For starters, agree with your partner about “No Phone Zones.”  This could mean agreeing not to check your phone during dinner or maybe while you’re getting ready for bed at night.  Turn your phone off or on silent and place it out of your eye sight.  Focus on creating conversation and intimacy with your partner.  Don’t go to sleep tonight with a wedge of technology between you.  

Well, it’s here again – the holiday season.  Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or nothing at all, you will no doubt be affected by the season.  For many people, the holidays are an exciting time to eat comfort foods, spend time with family, and enjoy the endless loop of Christmas jingles.  But for others, the holiday season causes anxiety, stress and depression despite the cheerful carols, bright decorations and festive parades.
Here are 3 things to do to keep from feeling less than “merry” this holiday season:

1. Say “No” if you feel overwhelmed: Don’t try to do too much.  There are only so many functions you can attend.  You cannot be everywhere for everyone doing everything.  Don’t be afraid to RSVP “No” to a few invitations.  If you have social anxiety, opt to spend one-on-one time with your friends or family throughout the year instead of attending large holiday parties.
2. Accept imperfection: Your holiday season does not have to be picture perfect.  Keep your expectations balanced.  Things will go wrong.  You will get a bad gift.  You will get tired of singing about Frosty the Snowman.  Just remember that everything does not have to go how you expected it to and try your best not to worry about the things you cannot control.
3. Don’t overspend: Be kind to your wallet during the holidays.  Create a reasonable budget (and stick to it).  Decline gift giving and opt for lower cost activities that can be shared with loved ones (home cooked meals, ice cream dates, etc.).  You can also explore homemade gifts.  Remember-- “It’s not about the presents, it’s about the presence.”

And remember that holiday stress doesn’t just affect adults.  Children are perceptive and pick up on your stress, which can increase their own anxiety.  If you notice your child becoming anxious or acting out, be a calm role model for them. Stick to the normal routine, be mindful of what they’re eating (limit sugary treats), and schedule quality down time with your child.  If you are able to stay calm and composed, your children will too!